sad morning

sad morning

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today, i woke up from a terrible dream about my mom. it wasn't a nightmare exactly, but it left me feeling unsettled and sad. in the dream, i was back in my old house, the one where i grew up before everything changed. it was familiar but heavy, like memories weighed down by time.

i almost forgot to do my daily check-ins with her in the dream, like i used to when she was sick. when i remembered, i went to her room. it was dark—not scary, just dim and quiet, like grief itself. she was there, but she wasn't like i remembered. she was frail, dilapidated, and couldn't speak. but somehow, i still heard her voice—it sounded robotic, distant, not the warm voice i used to know.

i asked if she wanted water, and i brought her some. it felt like such a small thing, but it mattered in the moment. then i told her i needed to leave, and that's when the dream shifted. she didn't want me to go. she had this surprising strength, holding me back in ways that felt almost violent, but i knew she didn't mean harm. it was more like desperation, as if letting me go would mean losing me forever.

i had to leave, though. i couldn't stay. i outmaneuvered her, careful not to hurt her, and found my way out.

when i woke up, i cried. it felt like my subconscious was trying to tell me something, maybe about how i still carry her loss, how i still feel tied to her even as i move forward in my life. it's been seven years, and yet grief doesn't go away. it changes.

i think the dream was a reminder of how much i miss her. how much i still wish she were here. and maybe a reminder that even though i've had to move on, she's still with me in some way, even if it's just in dreams like this one.

later that day

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it was good, today was wednesday and i got to help ppl out a little bit in iot class

i think enjoy helping people out? i think i'm very good at it too. after becoming a ta, i've found this out about myself and i thought i already knew myself.

i guess there's more to find out